i want to feel love...😭😞😔

Life sucks isn't?

I'm lonely inside my mind.. 

A broken piece.. I wouldn't call myself a piece of shit, because I worth something maybe.. j

A Tired young heart

Stupid enough to fall for those charming kind of guys 

Yes, I cry over boys because I want to feel something, other than this lonliness I thought he would be mine someday, but he dont feel the same way about me..

I wish I could escape from here and this pain.. 

U know I love my parents. I'm thankful to them for everything.. 

They sacrificed a lot to grow me and my brother..

but they failed to grew us, emotionally. Their tainted marriage and frequent quarrel was a bad example for me. 

Bad childhood traumas corrupted my personality and my thinking, I feel like everything is my fault, and I dont feel good about me at all. 

People used say I was ugly, it affected my whole personality and the perspective towards the world, I felt, if I was not pretty, I'm good for nothing, that was deep rotted in my mind and being not good looking, I stayed behind everything my whole life, because they made me feel so. 

Also I can't make friends or talk in public because I feel so bad about myself I feel that I'm ugly so nobody would like me to be their friend.. 

So I never had good friends..

School friends were trash, though had some good time but there was lot of negativity behind. 

Like them telling me indirectly I'm ugly, they looked down on me.. 

My parents failed me to grow into a strong girl.

I appreciate all they did for me.. many things.. I would never reach this far in life, if it was without them..

BUT 

They failed to teach us what love is.  

What real affection is.. 

I don't even remember if they ever kissed or hugged me.. 

Never had time to listen to my problems. 

I grew up as a secret person with all my feelings just inside me . 

Nobody really know who I'm or what I feel inside.. 

I'm not as cold hearted as it seems to me.. I'm so fragile and weak.. I can't stand pain.. I cant stand little things. I break down easily, I want soemone to hold me and tell me it's okay, but there's no one I could relay on.. 

I'm just lonely..

Lacked that real love and affection in real life so I started to search it online.. I mean like tried to make decent friends online. But it doesn't work that way, never met anyone who worth it. 

But found few guys, with whom I liked a future with and romantically interested but my bad, they dont like me that way, and I havent told them though.. 

Rest guys I met were boring hypocrites and perverts.. u know right, what they expect from a 20yr girl.. few times I felt into trap, but I hope not anymore I will not become a victim to their dirty play anymore, I dont want to be a using material for those perverts.  I'm a girl of worth and decency. 

I want real love from one and only person..   

I just wish I was special. I just what is it like to be extremely beautiful and get boys attention and feel good about myself:( 

Ik appearance is not everything, he was so damn good looking, but he was mean to me so I dont feel him pretty at all anymore.. so what speaks is our behavior and appearance is just a added advantage though.